regshoe | Network

Ta-da list:
- cleaned a little
- ran some errands, including buying the few pavers that I need to finish the little porch extension I've been working on
- came home and cleaned a lot, finished the weekly cleaning and the rest of the monthly cleaning
- put down the remaining pavers and cleaned two of the outside windows
- took shower, went thud

The pavers are basically done now. It doesn't look very good, and it's very uneven, but it's doing what I want it to do, which is giving me a walkway to get to the hose. I don't care too much how it looks, but I do plan to even them out a little at a time since that could be a tripping hazard. (I'm not too worried about it because I'm the only one who will go out there, and only when I want to get the hose, but still.)

I am done now. I do not feel like cooking after all that, so I will likely get takeout for dinner even though I really don't feel like going back out, but for now I am going to reward myself for being productive and play Kathy Rain.

jesse_the_k

I always enjoy the wide variety of postcards which appear regularly from fflo. Tuesday, fflo posted about the "Best Wrong Answers" to LearnedLeague. These are a series of punchline-worthy responses to Jeopardy!-style questions. For example:

In photography, the overall brightness of an image is determined by the "exposure triangle" of aperture, shutter speed, and a third factor which is a measure of the sensitivity of the camera's sensor (or the film) to light. This third factor is known as what?

REMEMBERING TO TAKE THE LENS CAP OFF

Even though I got online before the WWW, I’d never heard of LearnedLeague, which is a very dedicated group of trivia fiends. Here’s what I found:

Like any tight-knit community, there’s a ton of jargon. Participants are called LLamas (the double L matching Learned League). Membership is by invite only, though there is some public content at
LearnedLeague.com

Some of the world-readable "Best Worst Answer" tallies follow the URL pattern

https://learnedleague.com/hist/awards/100.php

Where 100 references the season—I had some fun plugging in random numbers.

From season 97:

A Wind in the Door (1973), A Swiftly Tilting Planet (1978), and Many Waters (1986) continue the story first told by author Madeleine L'Engle in what 1962 novel?

3 REASONS TO HAVE HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE

Public, unofficial Learned League groups on Reddit and Facebook. More fun to be had from grazing the #BestWrongAnswers tag on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/bestwronganswers

sartorias

Please forgive mush-mindedness; I'm three days out of the hospital and it's taking time for the simplest thoughts to come back on line.

Scintillation was wonderful, as always. And so was Fourth Street Fantasy Convention--what little I saw of it. No fault whatsoever to the con. All fault is due to the trash human in front of me in a very crowded assisted seating area, who coughed and hacked for the entire eight hour ride, refusing to put on a mask. "It's not a rule! And masks are all political anyway!"

By the next night I had a high temp, joints with ice picks stabbing them, skin like the worst sunburn ever. So I missed a lot, but managed to get to some programming including my panels. And I almost made it, tho by then I hadn't eaten for four days, and drunk only sips of water, which tasted terrible, like rusty pipes.

I was moderating my last panel, and I thought it was going okay when we opened to Qs from the audience and I realized that everyone was curiously black-and-white, then the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground, surrounded by voices.

Here's where perceptions get kind of surreal. I slowly became aware that someone was stroking my arm. I've always known that Marissa L has an infinite capacity for genuine empathy, but I understood it was real. That empathy convey through the slow, reassuring touch, even though when she murmured "non-responsive."

Oh dear. I was not doing my bit! Worse, I'd totally spoiled the panel, yet here I was having somehow floated gently to the ground. I had to get up! Return to my room. Rest! Apologize to everyone for my dumbass move! Yet it felt so much better to lie there, and let trusted voices do whatever they were doing. So reassuring.

I knew those voices. I trusted them. Marissa, who seemed genuinely pleased that I was responsive after all, but she kept up her reassuring touch. (I do know the difference. I've had to drop my head between my knees a few times at distressing moments, and this one specific time, a person I'd known since college kept pawing me, the angle changing in the direction of their voice, as if they were busy looking around the room)

Then E Bear asked for my phone code, and I knew that voice, it's Bear, of course she must need my phone. I trust Bear. Then came the questions as I began to rouse a bit. Scott L, long-serving firefighter and fully trained EMP started what my spouse (who was a volunteer fireman for 20 years, and worked alongside EMTs) called the litany. Scott's strong, clear voice foghorned something much like, "Sherwood, I hate to do this to you, but what asshole is currently infesting the White House?"

And I laughed. I don't know if the laughter got past my lips, but it's strange how humor--laughter--can rouse one. I muttered, "Yesterday was NO KINGS DAY."

Then it seemed they wanted to send me off to emergency services; there was talk, then a fourth trusted voice, belonging to Beth F, insisted that it was not a good idea to be sending me off without anyone knowing where. She informed the company that she was a Registered Nurse and this was SOP, or the like. Beth's on the team, I thought.

Shortly thereafter they got my wreck of a bod onto the conveyance and I was in for an ambulance ride. It was beautiful teamwork--cons these days have security teams, and here I was proof that their protocols were functioning swiftly and smoothly, which would permit them to pivot straight back to con stuff.

While I was in for a wad of tests. So many tests. I soon had two IVS going, one in each elbow.

Presently the doc came in and said that I had an acute case of influenza, compounded by severe dehydration. Beth F heroically came to spring me, and saw me to my room, promising me a backup call the following morning.

Another perceptual eddy: I thought, wrongly, I'd wafted quietly and softly to the floor. Maybe even discreetly. Ha Ha. When I stripped out of my influenza clothes I discovered gigantic bruises in weird places--the entire top of one foot is discolored, another baseball-sized bruise on one calf, and so one. I began to suspect that I had catapulted myself whammo-flat with all the grace of a stevedore hauling a sack of spuds.

The following days I slept and slept, forcing a few bites of salad and oatmeal. I have zero stamina, must work on that, but at least I am home, and I guess all that unwanted experience can sink into the subconscious quagmire.

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.”

When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor.

The affair lasted another two years, when we decided we both could not continue on with it.

The boys are close and love spending time together. The trouble is that as they have gotten older, they are resembling each other more and more—and they both look like me.

Luckily Blaine is blond like his mother, which makes it slightly less obvious, though not much. Lately Wendy and I have been taking steps to try and keep them apart, or at least have them see each other for playdates and outings without Minerva present.

However, we know we can’t keep this up. Wendy suggested that should could request a transfer to another state through work. We both agreed that would be the best thing, even if I don’t get to see my younger son grow up.

Would there ever be an appropriate time to confess the truth to my wife, or is this one of those things you take to your grave? Minerva and I have managed to repair our relationship in the last couple of years, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.

—No Such Thing as the Best of Both Worlds

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Prudence,

I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.

Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?

—I Barely Know Them

( Read more... )

cimorene

Wow, the author of this fanfiction fully does not realize how fountain pens work at all. Which is fine: all you had to do was not touch on how the pen worked and nobody would have noticed! Or you could've looked it up.

Or anything other than describing red ink writing that was done with a fountain pen as "a red fountain pen".

Bonus info: fountain pen ink dries up in the pen, which can ruin it if you're not lucky, if it lies unused for long enough (how long to dry up depends on the pen, and it's longer if stored point-down, but it can be as little as less than a week; it takes longer than that to ruin a pen, though). Fountain pen ink in the bottle also degrades over time. It can spoil or grow micro organisms and also can break down chemically, but evaporation is perhaps the biggest risk. The hobbyist sphere seems to agree that typical shelf life is "ten to sixty years" (optimally: in glass, sealed as airtight as possible, protected from heat and light and no contaminants introduced), so it's not impossible you could still use ink from a bottle from the 1940s, but it's highly unlikely.

askamanager_feed

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-telling-a-new-employee-hes-not-cut-out-for-the-job-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31279

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job

First, a clarification for the readers: I was new to the team, but my direct report Tom had been in his role for 2 years.

I did worry over the readers’ advice that maybe I was jumping to conclusions, so I started with a few one-on-ones directed at learning why he chose this path in the first place and what he enjoyed about it. Basically, he said he likes black-and-white work with clear rules, and our specialty involves rule enforcement.

After a few more weeks of learning his side of things and carefully watching some of his work, I explained to him that a robot can blindly enforce rules, but someone good at our specialty needs to understand and be comfortable using grey zones. I also explained that his skills XYZ were a better fit in other departments, and ABC would hold him back in this one. I mapped it out on a Venn diagram with the role I was recommending, which I was honestly kind of proud of.

Before talking to him, I met with the other department head to let her know I might have someone who could move over to replace a planned vacancy in her team, and to expect an informational interview request from Tom. I also gave Tom the contact info for a friend I have in the proposed specialty, who works at a different company, so that he could get some outside feedback. And I gave him a pile of alternate job descriptions and explained we could keep looking if the proposed path didn’t appeal to him. Tom never spoke to either person.

Instead, he went to a mentor (in our specialty at this company) and told the mentor that I told Tom he “sucks at his job” (for the record, I definitely didn’t say that). The mentor reassured Tom that he was a perfect fit for this job, and then told me off for hurting Tom’s confidence. The mentor agreed to take a more direct role in teaching Tom, since we thought maybe a different teacher/perspective would help. About a month later, the mentor came to me, apologized and said it was hopeless and suggested I put Tom on a PIP.

During this time, Tom’s performance significantly dropped off. He stopped trying hard just to tread water, and just stopped treading entirely. I caught him leaving work hours early multiple times, he was hours late 1-2 days a week, and came in probably-hungover every Monday when he wasn’t calling off entirely. At that point I got HR involved and explained that I was worried about mental health issues or burnout. We put together a tough-love conversation outlining the behaviors that needed to improve immediately while also offering flexibility and support, and advised him of resources like FMLA. To Toms credit, he did 95% return to the required work hours.

Then, an opportunity came up to create a project-based position on my team. To be honest, it’s a really fun job, and other members of my team probably deserved it more, but I was still feeling somewhat obligated to help Tom after he had such an unsupported start to his career. Plus, it was right in his skill wheelhouse. So far he’s doing … extremely mediocre at it. He’s doing the bare minimum despite it being work he said was interesting. It’s a little frustrating because I can tell he knows what a “C” level effort is, and puts in exactly that much effort. But he seems in better spirits, and the backfill for his old role is much better received by the team, so everyone is a little happier now.

When this project ends, if things don’t miraculously change when he goes back to a more traditional role, I’m afraid it’ll be well past time to execute the PIP. At this point, I can’t in good faith recommend him to another department. Overall, I think I was probably too soft on him throughout this process, but I also feel good about trying everything in my power to help him be successful.

Sometimes you can lead a horse to water, but they have to learn the hard way.

2. A nonprofit kept badgering me to interview their disabled client

I had mentioned in comments that my HR was really against me talking to the woman, or any of the applicants at all. I did feel bad for basically ignoring her, even when I got back from my brief vacation. I think in the future, if I have something like that, I’d actually either reach out and explain that I can’t answer questions or ask HR to speak to them.

I did end up emailing the rep after we called for interviews and explained how we weren’t interviewing Ferguson and apologized for not getting back to her earlier. She was very nice in her reply, and didn’t seem too upset. I get the feeling she’s this hands on no matter where she sends in his app and isn’t surprised by the lack of contact. We regularly have a part-time position open in a different department, so I told her that Ferguson should apply and we can’t communicate with applicants but if she sends it through the system, she’ll get notification when it’s been accepted. As far as I know he hasn’t, so I hope that means he’s employed elsewhere!

3. A good news story

(This was a letter from a manager who successfully helped a struggling employee whose mental health crisis had been affecting his job.)

It’s been six months since I wrote in my experience managing Cedric using a lot of the tips and tricks I’ve gleaned from AAM over the years.

Overall Cedric is continuing to thrive. Once we established a good way of working I was able to pass a few of my projects to him, as he thrives on being busy and being able to choose what he works on. Some of these were new to him, like comms strategies and budgets. It turns out he loves comms and hates budgets, so we pivoted and all the finance stuff is now back with me. On his own, Cedric said, “Before you arrived, I would have felt like a failure with how the budget project turned out. But you encouraged me to treat it as an experiment in seeing where my skills and interests lie, so it’s not a failure — it’s just gathering intel about myself.”

Unfortunately the funding for our department has come under strain lately, and Cedric’s fixed term contract is not being renewed for next year. However he’s actively job hunting, and most importantly he told me that he knows what accommodations to ask for, and he knows he can rely on me for a good reference.

When I started this role, I honestly thought Cedric was going to make it difficult. But it’s been the opposite — creating an environment where he can thrive has been one of the most rewarding challenges of my career so far. He’s a great guy and I’m hoping we can keep in touch professionally once his contract finishes up.

The post updates: telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-telling-a-new-employee-hes-not-cut-out-for-the-job-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31279

wychwood posting in

girlmeetstrouble

( Chapter 15 )

( Chapter 16 )

A bit of a cliffhanger there!

mrissa

Review copy provided by the publisher.

One of my friends likes to say, "it's never too late to have a messy breakup," and that could be one of the thesis statements of this book. Jay and Seb are having an epically messy breakup...also the world is literally ending in environmental collapse and at least one of them will probably leave the planet for another planet whose traits are not well known.

Also it's a mosaic novel whose framing device is a book of fairytales.

Jazz hands.

So there's Red Riding Hood here, but also Antigone, there's the Snow Queen, but it's not snow, there's a kaleidoscope of animal ghosts and human passions, queer theater techs and cleverly named collectives. This book features a lot of fun elements wrapped in with deeply, horrifyingly unfun environmental consequences.

mrissa

Isa Arsén, The Unbecoming of Margaret Wolf. Look, when a character tells you that their favorite Shakespearean character (as an actress) is Lady Macbeth and then another major character says their favorite play is Titus Andronicus--whose favorite play is Titus Andronicus? I demanded when I first got to that part. And then the book went on and OH NO OH GOD OH NO. Anyway, from the beginning you will get a clear sense that this is a setting that will tear people to shreds (1950s theater world!) and that some of the people in question will assist their milieu in their own destruction. Be forewarned on that. For me the prose voice made all the difference in the world, for you it might not make enough difference to be worth that shape of book if you're really not in a good place for it. This book goes hard, but uh...not any more pleasantly than my first sentence there would lead you to expect.

Andrea Barrett, Dust and Light: On the Art of Fact in Fiction. I was a little disappointed in this, I think because I was expecting more/broader theory. It was in a lot of places a process case study, which is interesting too, and I'm not sorry I read it, I was just expecting something grander, I think.

Agatha Christie, Hickory Dickory Dock and Peril at End House. These sure were mysteries by Agatha Christie.

Justene Hill Edwards, Savings and Trust: The Rise and Betrayal of the Freedman's Bank. Very straightforwardly does what it says on the tin. A thing we should all know happened, in terms of Black Americans and finance, this book gets in and gets out and does what it needs to do.

Kate Elliott, The Witch Roads. Discussed elsewhere.

Margaret Frazer, The Witch's Tale. Kindle. This is one of the short stories, and it was clearly something Frazer needed to say about justice and community, and it got in and said it and got out. For heaven's sake do not start here, this is a series story that's leaning heavily on you already caring about this place and these people and not spending many of its quite few words in introducing them to you.

Max Gladstone, Last Exit. Reread. This book made me cry four times on the reread. I knew it was coming, I knew what was going to happen, I had not forgotten many (on some cellular level: any) of the details, and yet, dammit, Gladstone, ya did it to me again. With my own connivance this time. Anyway gosh this is good, this is doing all sorts of things with power and community and priorities and old friendships and adulthood and, the reason I read it: American road trips. Oh, and weather! I read it for my road trip panel, it also related to my weather panel, frankly I brought it up during a couple of other panels as well. This booook.

Reginald Hill, On Beulah Height. Reread. Back to back reread bangers, although this one only made me cry once. I am not a big crier over books. Such a good series mystery, by which I mean that it works as a mystery but also, and more crucially, as a novel about some people you've already had a chance to know, so you know what their reactions mean even when they're not in your home register. (Or, if you're from Yorkshire, even if they are.)

Jordan Ifueko, The Maid and the Crocodile. Magical and fun and full of textured worldbuilding and clear character motivation, I really liked this.

Sarah Kay, A Little Daylight Left. The sort of deeply gripping volume of poetry that makes me add everything else the poet has written to my reading list.

Nnedi Okorafor, One Way Witch. A prequel, a mother's story, which is not something we see often. Interesting, not long.

Rebecca Roanhorse, Trail of Lightning. Reread. Also reread for my road trip panel, also pertained to my weather panel--are there any road trip novels that's not true for? Is a road trip in part a way to make modern people vulnerable to smaller-scale weather forces? In any case, I liked the ragged edges here, I liked the things she tied up neatly but also the things she refused to.

Sean Stewart, Galveston. Reread. To my relief, this holds up 25 years after I first read it: storms of magic, layers of history, weird alternate worlds overlapping with this one, hurrah.

Greg van Eekhout, Cog. Reread. A charming and delightful sto

ysabetwordsmith

Today is partly sunny and mild. It rained yesterday.

I fed the birds. I've seen a mixed flock of sparrows and house finches.

I put out water for the birds.

.

Current Mood: busy

ysabetwordsmith

New butterfly species wows scientists: 'This discovery reveals a lineage shaped by 40,000 years of evolutionary solitude'

The Satyrium semiluna, or half-moon hairstreak, is a small gray butterfly that looks like a moth at first glance. The wildflower lovers are widespread across North America, from the Sagebrush steppe to the montane meadows of the Rocky Mountains.

But tucked away in the southeastern corner of Alberta, Canada, another colony of butterflies flaps across the Blakiston Fan landform of Waterton Lakes National Park.

Until now, they were thought to be a subpopulation of half-moon hairstreaks — until scientists made a phenomenal discovery: They were a new species of butterfly that had hidden in plain sight for centuries.

The researchers, who recently published their findings in the scientific journal ZooKeys, defined the new species as Satyrium curiosolus.

Current Mood: busy

askamanager_feed

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-team-member-wont-stop-talking-about-their-keto-diet-the-cheating-coworker-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31109

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My team member won’t stop talking about their Keto diet

The advice definitely helped. If nothing else, it validated that this kind of behavior can be disruptive in the workplace. What ended up happening is that shortly after the column, we had some formal complaints from new employees who were part of an onboarding cohort, led by our Keto nut, and they said they were uncomfortable with some of the personal commentary given during their sessions. This was perfect stepping stone for the direct supervisor of the person to step in and have a conversation.

It was shared with them that their personal life choices and lifestyle are not part of what they should be sharing with people at work. If someone expresses interest in talking to them about it, they need to leave the office and have that discussion during a lunch or break. The direct supervisor said the comments could be taken the wrong way and seem judgmental about countering viewpoints and to just refrain from talking about it at work.

Since the conversation, it has improved significantly. There are still a few side comments here and there about their choices and no longer eating sugar, etc. when office treats are brought in, but it is MUCH improved. The conversation was a tough one, because it is hard to tell someone not to be passionate about things they enjoy – however, bringing it back to “how is this relevant to your work?” was the best way to hammer that message home. The supervisor also joined the next few onboarding sessions to listen in and ensure that the behavior improved.

2. My new coworker seems to be asking us if he should cheat on his wife

Five years ago, just before the pandemic started, you answered my question about how to handle a new coworker who was just absolutely oozing red flags in his first week.

As I’m sure surprises no one, Tulio turned out to be an absolute trainwreck. Fortunately I never did have to hear about his wife again and as far as i know, they stayed (begrudingly?) married. But he was SO awful at his job that would-be affair wound up being a drop of tea in the teapot.

For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we’re all teapot salespeople, a combo of inside and outside sales. He was hired because he purported to be an expert in how to mix milk in tea (actually fairly analogous to what we actually do), claiming he had taught classes on it at a university, and claimed he had all these special certifications in tea mixing. We already had a tea mixing expert in our group, but having another person would be even better. If it had been true.

In reality, he had no idea what he was talking about when it came to tea mixing. We all (even the non-experts with more general knowledge like me) regularly corrected him during customer calls or had to backtrack or clean up after him. He never answered (or read) his emails, he regularly ignored customers he didn’t view as “high value” (lower sales) and even five years on was asking incredibly basic questions akin to “can teapots have different designs on them?” When we had our monthly sales meetings, he made shit up on the spot and our boss was regularly correcting him. Oftentimes he wouldn’t even know we had gotten orders in even though he was copied on everything.

It was incredibly frustrating to watch this man stumble for five years with no consequences. My team was at the end of our rope dealing with his incompetence. We couldn’t understand why he was still here.

And then, at the end of March, he was unceremoniously let go and we were notified in an all-hands meeting. They restructured his role such that, had he been doing anything at all, he would have been fine. But since he wasn’t, they fired him. Everyone else in that role was safe, and actually are excited about the role changes. It also meant my job is changing a bit, but I’m looking forward to it.

I do think there were things going on in the background that we couldn’t see. About a year ago, we took my boss aside at one point to tell her how much we hated working with him and she found out that every other team also couldn’t stand him after asking around. I think she might have started then, but I also I think my grandboss had tied our boss’s hands in a way we couldn’t see. But I think it did reach a point where the entirety of the sales team (about 15-20 people) got so fed up that leadership finally actually looked at stuff and realized how screwed up it all was.

So, long story short, he’s FINALLY gone. Took WAY too damn long. But he’s gone, my job is easier, and I don’t have to regularly clean up stupid messes he made and cover for him with customers. Maybe not the most satisfying update but I cannot overstate how much of a relief him being gone is.

3. I desperately want to change jobs but I’m five months pregnant (#4 at the link)

Thank you so much for giving me the confidence to search for a new job! I was feeling very vulnerable and your encouragement was exactly what I needed. You were right, job searching made me feel like I had more control of the situation, and it takes a while.

Unfortunately, the stress at work started to impact my pregnancy. I was having regular panic attacks and my blood pressure was high. My doctor was getting concerned. I have never left a job without another one lined up, and I was so worried about a gap in my resume, but it was starting to impact my baby, so I resigned. I felt like such a failure, but I thought of the kind Ask a Manager community, and thought, “If this were one of them, I would tell them that their health comes first and no job is worth your health or the health of your child. You are not a failure. You are taking charge of the situation.”

I am incredibly lucky that my wonderful, loving, supportive husband was able to work several overtime shifts to make sure we were in a reasonable place financially, and I continued to apply and interview. Thanks to your advice, I felt confident heading into interviews, even though I was in my third trimester and very large. At 37 weeks pregnant, I interviewed for a job in a snowstorm wearing my husband’s shoes. I thought it went well, but I was unable to send a thank-you note because I went into labor two days later. I never heard back from them.

I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy at 37 weeks, and everything else melted away. I continued to job hunt whenever I could but didn’t have much luck. About a month and a half later, a former manager (from the job I was laid off from) reached out. She had moved on to a new company and was hiring and wanted to bring me on board if I was still looking. I went back to work two and a half months postpartum. They let me start part-time and work from home to make the transition easier. This place isn’t perfect, but I have a good manager, I make a decent living, and I never think about work after I leave for the day. I feel incredibly grateful for my beautiful life.

I’m glad to have found a corner of the internet where people are very kind and supportive. This community is one-of-a-kind. Thank you all for helping me through an emotional and turbulent time.

4. My boss wants my employee to report to him (#2 at the link)

I appreciated all the comments, and read every one. It gave me some food for thought on why I felt the need to push back on the change, as well as what would be good about the change. One commenter said something like, “Sarah’s been under you for seven years, maybe she deserves some growth!” and that really struck me.

I spoke with my supervisor about my concern of how I was being asked to remain Sarah’s manager, just without the title. I inquired about whether there were any new projects Sarah could take on under him, and I clarified what he meant when he said I would handle the “day to day” of Sarah’s work. We wrote down a chart of specific areas on which he wants Sarah to report to me and specific tasks on which she would report to him. He also clarified that he wanted to hold Sarah’s performance reviews jointly together. I felt when we delved into specifics, he was reasonable about addressing my concerns and it made it easy for me to accept the change. I’m happy for Sarah and for myself to have a new dynamic as well.

We’ll see how this all goes for Sarah but when I told her about the upcoming change, she was indeed happy to get a little bit of mobility and to be recognized for her professional growth with new responsibilities. We ended up with a win-win-win!

The post updates: team member won’t stop talking about their Keto diet, the cheating coworker, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-team-member-wont-stop-talking-about-their-keto-diet-the-cheating-coworker-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31109

badly_knitted posting in

get_knitted

Hello to all members, passers-by, curious onlookers, and shy lurkers, and welcome to our regular daily check-in post. Just leave a comment below to let us know how your current projects are progressing, or even if they're not.

Checking in is NOT compulsory, check in as often or as seldom as you want, this community isn't about pressure it's about encouragement, motivation, and support. Crafting is meant to be fun, and what's more fun than sharing achievements and seeing the wonderful things everyone else is creating?

There may also occasionally be questions, but again you don't have to answer them, they're just a way of getting to know each other a bit better.

This Week's Question: We all probably have multiple WiPs, but which of yours has been hanging around longest, waiting to be finished?

If anyone has any questions of their own about the community, or suggestions for tags, questions to be asked on the check-in posts, or if anyone is interested in playing check-in host for a week here on the community, which would entail putting up the daily check-in posts and responding to comments, go to the Questions & Suggestions post and leave a comment.

I now declare this Check-In OPEN!

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: my desk

abyss_valkyrie

Entered a challenge for

celebrity20in20 after a while. I always do love making icons of celebs in general. This time I chose the Chinese actress Zhao Lusi (I've only watched her in the Romance of Tiger and Rose) All icons are free to take and use.

Preview:

( All the icons are here!! )

mekare

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

lycomingst

I had the shrubs cut down. I had to call somebody which involved using the phone, my nemesis. I cold called a name from Next Door because I had bolloxed up the Thumbtack account I used before. It somehow involved the phone, my nemesis. (If I don’t use something every day I forget how it works.)

So after Diego left (after loading a cartload, a large cartload of greenery) a new neighbor came over to get the 411 (do people still say that?) on him. Because “her guy” quit. I learned a lot about him, where he lives, his new job and how much he likes it.. She needs somebody to do garden stuff, needs it bad but at a reasonable price. She took Diego’s card. There seems to have been an ice storm around here last year and it lives in people’s memories, any garden discussion brings it up. Something to look forward to.

Today there is construction or destruction going on just outside my back yard. It is loud and ongoing.

askamanager_feed

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-accused-of-bullying-for-not-attending-a-coworkers-baby-shower-the-shocking-counteroffer-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31099

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I was accused of bullying for not attending a coworker’s baby shower (#2 at the link)

My boss did bring this up to me; she said she didn’t care but my absence was noted multiple times by the executive (Ella’s mom) and the manager of the other team. She asked me to tell her if I was spoken to by either of them and reminded me that this event was voluntary so I shouldn’t feel any type of way about not going.

My response was, “Please do whatever you can to ensure this is not brought up to me. If I am forced to explain why I avoid baby showers, I will escalate as needed. I really do not want to discuss this ever again.” And I’m not going to lie, my voice was shaky and it was obvious I was on the verge of tears. I really think my boss caught onto what I was saying; her response was apologetic and said she would continue to remind people it was voluntary if it is brought up. She hasn’t mentioned it or acted weird since, thankfully.

The only comments I wanted to address were the ones telling me to get a new job. I would do anything to be in a different environment. My dilemma is this current company has amazing fertility benefits, which is not something most companies offer. I also have been here for over a year so I currently qualify for FMLA. It’s a difficult spot to be in for sure. I’m sure people going through something similar can relate so I just wanted to tell you all you’re not alone.

My resume is up to date currently and I’ve been looking elsewhere though because mental health is important. I also have my eye on openings on different teams in the same company. Thank you to everyone who allowed me to vent and offered kind words.

2. My job made me a shocking counteroffer

I think I wrote to you on the same day that I got the wacky offer, when I was still feeling very blindsided. The next day I woke up feeling that it was a capital B-I Bad Idea to accept. Nevertheless, I decided to discuss with a manager on another team, who was a rare trustworthy person in the org. He agreed with my take and gave me some solid advice. I also had a call with our VP, which was absolutely useless. I’m not sure what her deal was, but it came across as if she knew about the offer and thought I’d take it. She gave no additional insight and kept repeating they’re really sorry I’m leaving. I also want to point out that never in either of these discussions were any numbers actually put on the table. So after talking to her, it felt even more like a sleazy move to keep me on the hook long enough to force me to walk back my acceptance of the outside offer. As someone with 5 years of knowledge on a team hemorrhaging tenured employees, I get why they wanted to retain me, but when done so sloppily and half-assedly, it felt insulting more than anything.

So I left! It was in December, so I had 2 weeks off for holidays before starting my new job. It was crazy how quickly I completely forgot about all my work gripes after thinking about them almost constantly for a good 8 months. It took about 2 days of freedom for it to all go away. Just that alone made it absolutely the correct choice.

But also, my new job is so much better. My manager is involved, my colleagues are positive, there are multiple clear development pathways, the director is a wonderful woman and fantastic mentor, the work is interesting, and just this Friday I had a 5-month check in with my manager that went better than I could’ve hoped. Spending 5 years on a team where the approach was “eff off and figure it out yourself, I have no time for you” has made me a very proactive and independent worker, so I can thank my old team for that. For me, the best part of it all is how I barely think about work when I’m not at work. I’m certainly not furiously rehashing conversations in my head at 2 AM à la “I shoulda said, “Look here, you MORON…'”

I still hear updates from my old team. Senior managers on the business side keep getting fired, and the VP got moved off, the CIO left, multiple product owners have quit, probably in tears of frustration due to the unchecked trash fire in IT and their own management … and the interpersonal dysfunction continues. People drag themselves to the office once a week max, and several have told me it takes a day to recover from the horrible mood that imbues the place. During my notice period, many people opened up about how unhappy they were, as I was leaving and was therefore “safe” to discuss such feelings. From what I understand, they’re now hiring a bunch of contractors to cover gaps, including my role (about 2 years after declaring we’d be contractor-free within a year, so … lol). The senior director who made the original offer has been promoted. As the only one with a full understanding of all the implemented tools and integrations, I think he’s maneuvered himself into a pretty good position. I hear he says he hopes I will return and how great I am, but there would have to be a seismic event within the org to make me interested in that. They also can’t afford me :)

3. How can I talk to people at my new office? (#2 at the link)

I’ve settled into the job since November. I got a ton of work after the new year and have been consistently busy since, which helps. I found opportunities for small talk in the break room. I’ve since learned that a couple people on my team work from my office occasionally, so I’ve sought them out to introduce myself. I went to lunch with the partner on my team once.

Looking back, I think my unhappiness was a combination of things: the ones I mentioned, my work shoes being uncomfortable (I’ve since broken them in), and the cultural change from my old job: I’m somewhat senior in my career and resented being told that I “have to” work from the office, but I’ve gotten over that and I love my office days now. But most of all (twist) I think my bad mood was due to suppressed post-election depression. While that situation hasn’t improved, humans tend to revert to our base level happiness, so I have.

Thank you and your readers for your advice! Thank you for writing this blog. It makes my days better.

4. When is it OK to approach a colleague about a possible medical issue?

I sent in a question to you about approaching a colleague about a medical issue.

I’ve avoided providing this update because it’s not happy. My former colleague and friend, Joe, passed away from his medical condition about two years ago. It was well-managed while he was in our office, but then he moved back home, went through some life changes (including moving to a new job that didn’t work out) which brought on a lot of stress and his condition flared up. He was a young man who had just turned 30.

I know it’s not the update that people want. We were very close and talked every day, even after we both moved on to other companies. It’s still hard for me to believe that it’s been over two years since we lost him.

I’ve yet to see anyone else turn yellow, but if I do, I will definitely bring it up, and am very unfortunately armed with good reason to do so.

The post updates: accused of bullying for not attending a coworker’s baby shower, the shocking counteroffer, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/updates-accused-of-bullying-for-not-attending-a-coworkers-baby-shower-the-shocking-counteroffer-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31099

alpennia_feed

Posted by Heather Rose Jones

http://alpennia.com/blog/everything-new-old-again

Thursday, June 19, 2025 - 08:00

The Lesbian Historic Motif Project

I started some comments to put in this blog section of the post, then realized they fit better into the "Introduction" part of the publication record. So I'm left with nothing of substance to say here. Some day I should post a blog showing the underlying data structure of the Project so that this sort of thing makes sense to readers. (Assuming anyone cares.)

Major category:

LHMP

Tags:

LHMP

LHMP #491c Cleves 2014 Charity & Sylvia Chapter 3 & 4

About LHMP

Full citation:

Cleves, Rachel Hope. 2014. Charity & Sylvia: A Same-Sex Marriage in Early America. Oxford University Press, Oxford. ISBN 978-0-19-933542-8

Chapter 3 & 4

I have become fascinated with the cyclicity of historical trends--not necessarily the "big stuff" like wars and forms of government, but the way certain concepts and reactions cycle over and over again, in different forms, but with similar shapes and consequence-chains. We see this in Valerie Traub's idea of "cycles of salience" where specific manifestations of female homoeroticism have dominated social awareness at different times. We see this in the "waves" of feminism, which began long before "first wave" feminism, where women agitate against the specific injustices of their time, make progress to address those injustices, then are hit by backlash that recurs in similar forms, time and time again.

Today's chapters from Charity and Sylvia touch on one of those cycles: the "generation gap" (my label, not the author's). Some sort of social or political disruption occurs that leads a younger generation to have sufficiently different understandings of society that disrupts the idea of learning from and following the lead of the older generation. I'm not talking about a constant background radiation of "kids these days!" but the points at which a generation has literally grown up in an entirely different world from their parents, affecting expectations and assumptions. For Charity and Sylvia, that disruption was the American Revolution, not only due to the physical and economic hardship, but because of embracing the principles that you didn't have to accept "the way things are." That you can make drastic changes in your relationship to authority structures. Authority structures like family hierarchies.

One of the pervasive threads in this book--and an aspect of history that can be hard for modern people to grasp entirely--was the essential interconnectedness of communities. For queer people, that interconnectedness has often been a threat: the need to hide or conform in order to not lose that essential economic stability the community and family provide. The quintessential American archetype of the independent loner who rejects society's demands has always been mostly an illusion. When Sylvia's brother struck out for the "wilds" of Vermont, his success was not that of an independent loner, but of someone who identified key social structures and wove himself into them. (Marrying the boss's daughter has always been a useful strategy.) and when he achieved that success, his first thought was to pull in the loosened strands of his family and weave them back into cloth again.

Charity's family was badly disrupted by autocratic and controling parents, with the result that their children took any opportunity to get out from under their thumb. (A "generation gap" that might have been harder to implement without the general atmosphere of liberatoin.) But those threads were still tangled. Charity's professional life was made possible by the anchors of various siblings who hosted her during her teaching years, allowing her to move between communities while still being tied to them. On the other side, for a single woman to be able to make a living as a teacher was made possible by significant attitude shifts regarding public education that emerged out of the Enlightenment and the disruption of Colonial era attitudes toward the relationship between government and the public good.

Did Charity and Sylvia come to the conclusion that their fantasy of a female "marriage" was possible because of those disruptions to social patterns? It's always hard to distinguish the larger patterns from the particular cases. In several places, Cleves draws parallels between Charity & Sylvia and the similar relationshps of Ponsonby & Butler and Lister & Walker. Yes, they lived in a similar era, but their socio-political contexts were quite different. To what extent is it reasonable to consider them part of a larger pattern of queer possibility and to what extent is the urge toward queer partnerships a constant with individual cases popping into visibility for random reasons and then given undue weight because of that visibility?

Ok, I'm starting to ramble now. But since one of the goals of the Project is to identify larger patterns in history that can help root characters and stories into the particularity of a time and place, these questions are always on my mind.

# # #

Chapter 3: O the Example! 1787

The Revolution had inspired something of a “generation gap” as younger people took seriously the ideals of liberty and independence and were less inclined to reflexively bow to parental and employer authority. Another legacy of the Revolution was the valorization of intimate same-sex friendships among both men and women. These friendships had the potential to displace the familial bonds that had previously been the essential basis for economic success. Such friendships had the same potential as m/f relationships for both joy and tragic break-ups. One of Charity’s brothers suffered greatly from the destruction of one such friendship, which may have affected some of her ambivalence about intimate relationships.

Another of her brothers also had an intimate friendship with that same man, and there was conflict between the brothers over contrasting loyalties. [Note: Although the author doesn’t make the connection at this point, these close same-sex friendships may have been a model for Charity’s own socializing later. Also note: I’m using “intimate friendship” in the sense of a highly particular, intensely emotional bond, without necessarily implying an erotic component.]

Resistance to parental attempts to dictate their lives led to most of Charity’s siblings eventually distancing themselves from their father and step-mother. Her sisters struggled harder to find a path other than marriage. One had poetic aspirations, but chose marriage at 20. Another married even younger. Both moved away from the family neighborhood at marriage. That left Charity as the only child at home at age 15. Charity clashed regularly with her stepmother, perhaps over her distaste for the endless housework, preferring literary activities. These gave her a common focus for close friendships with other young women in the community.

At age 20, after a conflict with her father, he threw Charity out of the house and she went to live with one of her married sisters. In the next decade, Charity moved between several communities, living with relatives, and formed a number of close friendships with women who were drawn by her intellect and bold spirit. But the admiration she attracted also sparked gossip and tension within those communities.

Chapter 4: Mistress of a School 1797

Charity worked as a school teacher, which fit well with her skills and interests, though she had a low opinion of many of her students. Like several of her siblings, she was a poet. At first, she boarded with her sister Anna. After some problems with gossip (more on which later), and a minor medical crisis, she moved back in with her parents until that became untenable. Then she went to live with a brother in western Massachusetts, where she resumed teaching. Then back to join Anna in a different locations. Despite these various moves and occasional breaks from teaching, the profession gave her freedom and economic independence, if not a very substantial income.

Post-revolutionary America encouraged general education, creating new employment opportunities for educated women (as they could be paid less than male teachers). Young female teachers often wrote about their “liberty” from parental oversight and restrictions (and the expectation of domestic labor if they remained at home).

Charity became a prolific letter writer, as well as a poet, often describing her life in dramatic and sentimental terms, as if narrating a novel.

She often wrote poems as gifts to friends, and was considered talented. She and her correspondents sometimes had pet names for each other used in their letters.

In her writing, Charity praised the virtues of modesty and sincerity, though she didn’t always recognize her own failings in those areas. Others viewed her pride and self-confidence as deviating from feminine ideals.

Time period:

18th c

19th c

Place:

USA

Event / person:

Charity Bryant & Sylvia Drake

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http://alpennia.com/blog/everything-new-old-again

setnox1 posting in

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Name: SetNox1, or Kai if you prefer a 'proper' name.

Age: 20.

I mostly post about: Not sure yet but probably whatever's on my mind at the time. Daily life, insights, events, ideas, not in any specific order. Don't expect anything too shocking though. Inside thoughts should stay inside or in a paper journal at most.

My hobbies are: Dungeons & Dragons, drawing, maybe writing if you're generous with vague periphery interests that stuck around for months. I'm trying to get into sewing and other clothing DIY shenanigans.

My fandoms are: None. Maybe Percy Jackson if you count lurking in the art/headcanons corner of Tumblr as participating in a fandom.

I'm looking to meet people who: Share snippets of their mind and life and enjoy exchanging music recommendations. Seriously, send me songs, I love exploring new artists, especially the smaller/independent ones.

My posting schedule tends to be: Probably sporadic. Knowing myself, I'll try to keep a regular schedule, then forget about the schedule, then have a big buildup of stuff to say but can't find the words for them, and when things finally click int place I'll share a crap ton. I love my executive functionality (cue lightheartedly sarcastic sigh).

When I add people, my dealbreakers are: Focus on sexual stuff and gore. I don't mind them in small doses but god forbid it becomes the main point of conversation. Also, ny form of queerphobia! Pardon my English but you're not 'phobic' or 'scared' of anything, you're just a douche, or raised by one at best.

Before adding me, you should know: I overanalyse quite a lot behind the scenes, possibly because of something neurodivergent that I've not yet discovered. For the same reason I might come across as plain or sarcastic eve when I don't intend to. Whoops. I'm also a very queer soul. Go enjoy your life without me if you're looking for a neurotypical, cishet-normative experience.